"Women you are not Rehabilitation Centers for badly raised men. It´s not your job to fix him, change him, parent him or raise him. You want a partner not a project." Julia Roberts
As a woman I do have different roles in my life. Nearly every woman has. We´re women, ladies, mothers, sisters, daughters, wifes, colleges, neighbors, friends, lovers.
Sure, men would argue against and say 'yes, but we, too'. But that´s not my cup of tea, mine is to stand up for myself.
Julia Roberts statement provided the impetus to think loud about the misunderstanding of partnership or should I say the abuse of women taking care for men on their side?
The main question is, why we women obviously slip into roles as therapist or caring mothers or even money givers to men who don´t can stand as a partner on our side?
If I only will have enough patience, if I only will give all the care he needs, if I only would be responsable for him, if I only would listen to all his problems, then, yes, then he will one time realize and then he will see me and at last he will start to love and protect me. That´s the intention. That´s the way how so many women think and behave. Giving love and care, giving lots of time of their life, tolerate abuse in many ways, tolerate badly raised men in hope one time everything will turn. Will it turn? Will anything change? No. Absolutely and definitely no.
And not only my experiences in my generation in especially three cases are the basis for this blog. Often we think this is a typical generation problem. Soon I will also belong to the old wise and white people with old-fashioned conceptions. This is the rule a woman has to play? She´s the one who provides support for a man however he behaves? As I mentioned I gone three times through that sort of game. The first partnership took nearly twenty years and two wonderful daughters are the result. But not only. At sudden I was thrown away as rubbish, useless and was changed without any chance. Sounds horrible and sad and at that time it was it. The second one was a relationship with a psychopath (today I know it!) and took a couple of years until I could release myself from this psychological dependence.
The third and last one took only a couple of weeks and was a very short and speed review of the two relationships before. The last one was like a test for me. Have I learnt from the past experiences? Or is there still this dependent one in me searching for..whatever?
Have a long walk through a wonderful forest and have a close look to the trees. Have you recognized trees covered with ivy? Looks wonderful, doesn´t? Yes, sure, at the first glance it does. But it is toxic. Ivy chokes the tree, slowly. Its mighty roots surrounds the tree, they are getting stronger and stronger and once the tree is totally covered with ivy. No tree anymore. You have to get rid of ivy at the beginning. As I illustrated above it will otherwise take a very long time to recover.
And here are the good news: I have passed the test with flying colors.
Self-awareness, self-empowerment and self-determination are the answers to get out of toxic relationships or never get into one. And yes, you have to work hard on yourself but at the end you stand in front of the mirror and give the biggest smile to yourself. Changing my own thinking and dependence into independence opened more than only being independent. It is the opened door into myself, into my growing abilities. To recognize my own creativity and here is the path: To recognize my own guidance in my own life. This sort of self-confidence makes me to a woman with both feet on the ground.
But the story, my story, doesn´t end here. The famous American Editor-in-Chief Anna Wintour said that she neither has a look to left nor to the right side going her own way of her life. This is such an essential truth I thought often about. And mentioned by myself I often I compared myself with other women. Looking to the left and looking to the right. Those in my same age and apparently more successful. A few are still happy married, others make a lot of money, some are surrounded by a large stable network. And as soon as I start to compare I lost. And to be envious is poison for soul and spirit. Happily for me in the meantime I do not honestly compare (anymore) and am also glad about not being envious.
This all is the cornerstone to make my own life. Sounds so wonderfully pathetic. But I mean it. That means, I don´t need stories from others to tell about. I have my own gorgeous stories.
I don´t know anymore who said this but it´s a wonderful ending for this blog:
"If you don´t start with 20, then you start with 30,
and if you haven´t started with 30 then you start with 40.
And if you haven´t started with 40 then you start with 50.
And if you haven´t started with 50 then you start with 60.
And if you haven´t started with 60 then you start with 70.
And if you haven´t started with 70 then you start with 80.
And if you haven´t started with 80 then...a.s.o."